Tuesday, July 26, 2011

24 Weeks

It feels good to have made it to 24 weeks. When Zoey was born they told me if only she was 24 weeks they could have tried to save her but at 22 weeks she was too early. It's amazing to think in just 2 weeks they grow and change so much. According to my what to expect Iphone app Caleb is the size of a large eggplant. I have been feeling him move more and more everyday.

Not too much has been going on around here. I had a Dr. Appointment last week and with an exam the Dr. felt that everything was going really well. My cervix is still closed and long. My next Dr. Appointment is next Monday. Now that I am getting further along and things are going well my appointments are pretty low key and quick. I haven't had another ultrasound yet but I might be getting one in the next month or so. I kind of hope so cause it would be nice to see what is going on in there again.

Mike and I picked out a crib this last week. It was quite the challenge because we are trying to find as much as we can that is made in the USA.We feel like supporting the companies and people here in the US is important. Also it seems like the quality of products made here tends to be better. We also decided to decorate Calebs room in a beach kind of theme. We are going to use pictures from our travels mostly in Tahiti to base the room around. I plan to paint his room and start getting things together by the end of August.

Monday, July 18, 2011

My thoughts

So I wanted to share some of the more difficult parts of this pregnancy. As far as how I feel physically I am doing well and don't have too much to complain about. Emotionally I feel like it is a bit of a roller coaster.

In the beginning I was trying not to get too excited. I was worried that something would go wrong and I didn't want to get my hopes up too much. This was more in the first 12 weeks when the risk of miscarriage is much higher. We told our parents and siblings pretty much right away mostly because Mike was leaving and we wanted to make sure we got to tell everyone together in case something happened while he was gone and I needed their support. It took us a little longer to tell everyone else because we were nervous, this was harder for Mike than me. After we told everyone it was nice to know people were so supportive and positive about it. People seemed excited for us again and I didn't hear anything negative from anyone.

As each week goes by and especially once I got my cerclage I was feeling much better about stuff. I think the nervousness will stay with me until I have a baby in my arms and know that he is healthy. Every Dr. appointment helps relieve my stress just a little, knowing that things are going good. I do get a little nervous before each Dr. appointment and I try not to go alone just in case I end up being admitted that day. For Mike each appointment when he is at work is hard for him. He usually doesn't like me to text or call when he is on watch but on these days he tells me to text him as soon as I am done so he can relax. We have a plan for an emergency if he is at work and I can't get him on his cell phone I can call a satellite phone that the captain has. It's nice to know I can always get a hold of him if I need to, I just hope I never have to call that number.

The hardest day for me so far was my 20 week ultrasound. I was so excited to see that everything was going well and to know if we were having a boy or girl. When the ultrasound tech told us we were having a boy I was surprised for some reason. Not sure why but I didn't expect it. I did well and enjoyed watching caleb bounce around in my belly the whole ultrasound. After it was over and Mike and I started walking to the car alone I had a bit of a break down. Part of me (a part I didn't know about until that moment) was really hoping for a girl. I was sad that I was having a boy and I was upset and felt guilty that I wasn't as excited as I thought I would be. I think I shocked Mike a little because this wasn't something we had ever talked about. It took me a little while but by the end of the day I was already feeling better about it. Each day I get more excited about having Caleb home and happy just to be a mom no matter if it's a boy or girl.

After talking to Mike and having a few moments to think about it I realized my feelings were less about having a boy and more about loosing my little girl. I think most women hope to have a girl to get to dress up and do girly stuff with. I was so excited when we found out Zoey was a girl that I looked forward to all those things. When we lost her all that was taken from me and I hadn't realized how hard that still was for me until we found out Caleb was a boy. I also was feeling a bit sad thinking I may never have another girl again.

For every person who has had a loss in their life there will be things that can be triggers for different emotions. You can't always predict what things will bring up what feelings and this was definitely one of those times for me. I would say overall I am doing really well dealing with loosing Zoey.  Days like my 20 week ultrasound reminds me that I am still dealing with Zoey's loss everyday. I will always hold Zoey in a special place in my heart and never forget about what her and I went through. I also know that I will be an amazing mom to Caleb and look forward to, although I am a bit nervous about, learning all about boy stuff.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

22 Weeks

This week I am 22 Weeks. It feels like I have been pregnant for a long time already. Since May of 2010 I have been pregnant for all but 41/2 months. It seems like the next 17 weeks are all so far away.

This week being the time that we lost Zoey has made me think about her a lot. I think about the fact that Caleb is now about the size Zoey was, how weird it is to know what that size looks like in my arms. Each day I feel Caleb more and more which is an amazing feeling. Last night I was able to feel him from outside my belly. I can't wait till Mike gets to feel him.

Mike and I have been working on picking out what we want to decorate Caleb's room with. I started a pinterest to help keep my ideas in one place. The next time Mike comes back we are going to clean out and paint the nursery. I am excited to start getting things together and feeling like we are past the hump of feeling like we won't get to bring Caleb home ever.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

21 Weeks

This week I am 21 weeks because it is the end of the week I am almost 22

4th of July this year was pretty good. Every year my girl scout troop does a Rootbeer float booth fundraiser at the Redwood City festival. It was pretty hot this year which is good for sales but kind of hard when you are pregnant so I made sure to drink enough and take it easy in the shade while the girls and our other adults did a lot of the work. In the afternoon I headed up to a family friends house for a BBQ, then around 8 I left and headed to my parents church to do fireworks (well I watched) in the parking lot. It was a long day and I fell asleep while watching TV as soon as I got home, but it was fun. I am so thankful that I am able to continue to do my normal things during this pregnancy. I hope it stays this way.

How am I feeling: So far still pretty good. I have had some spurts of really bad heartburn. I also have issues with my hips a night they go kind of numb and hurt at night which makes it a little hard to get good sleep. Since I am at the time in the pregnancy that I lost Zoey I am a little more anxious about the little things. I try to remind myself of the signs my doctor told me to look out for and not to worry about everything and I do pretty good I just think about it a lot. With the weather being so hot lately I have had to work to keep myself cool because I can't stand being too hot. If I can't stand being in my house I go to my mom's or sisters to hang out.

Dr. Appointment: Today I had a check up with my doctor. She said everything was looking really good. My cervix is 3.2cm according to my last ultrasound 2 weeks ago and she said that is very good. She said it isn't a problem until it is 2.5cm or less. It was really good to hear things are good and normal. I feel like i couldn't be told that too much. I don't have another appointment for 2 weeks but she said if I felt concerned or anxious i could come in next week. I think having a Dr that deals with mostly women that have had losses helps because she understand how hard it can be and is extra sensitive to it.

Baby Prep: I haven't started too much. Mostly looking at ideas for what I want to do in his room and things I want to get or register for. Mike and I have been working hard at figuring out when the best time for him to come home for the delivery is. He gets 6 weeks off for the baby so trying to make the most of that time can be difficult. I even talked to the Dr about it and she recommended he come home around 38 weeks. Which is probably what we will do. I feel lucky that he gets an extra 2 weeks to be home and I really hope he gets to be there for the delivery this time.