Emotions

Since the last few weeks of my pregnancy I have been very emotional. Since I delivered it has only gotten worse. I cry over any and everything. Recovery overall hasn't been easy by any means.

For me the whole C-section experience comes with a lot of disappointment and sadness. I had looked forward to giving birth. I wanted to see Mike cut the umbilical cord and get to have Caleb lay on my chest when we was first born. There were so many things I looked forward to.

When I gave birth to Zoey it was not a happy time. Mike wasn't there, nobody cut her cord (well the Dr. did I think), the Dr wasn't excited, I got to hold her but I was surrounded by sad faces and crying not happy excited people. I had looked forward to delivering her as well and felt like that experience was taken from me. I had hoped that this time around it would be different and I would get to experience all the things I had hoped for.
I was there when my sister delivered, when my friend Tara delivered, and I was there during labor and shortly after delivery for two other friends all who had normal vaginal deliveries. I knew what it could be like.

When I was told I was having a C-section I was once again surrounded by worried faces. After he was born I didn't get to hold him, I barely got to see him, Mike didn't get to cut the cord, our family and friends didn't get to celebrate with us after he was born. Since I was having such problems I didn't get to hold him until the next day. The Dr. waited so long to decide to give me a C-section that by the time he was born our friends and family all had to leave so they could only see him through the window in the nursery while they washed him and did various things. ( I was in surgery still so I;m not sure what all they did). I don't have pictures of all our family holding him that day and because of the stress in the hospital i don't have pictures of my family holding him at all.

I know having a C-section was the best thing for him and me. If I had delivered him vaginally he might not have made it because the Dr found his umbilical cord around his neck twice. I remind myself that having a healthy baby was the most important thing how it happened was not. As much as I know this it is still hard sometimes. 

I started this post about 2 weeks ago now so everything above this was written earlier. In the last couple weeks I have been able to come to terms more with my feelings on how his delivery went. I am still disappointed about all the things I mentioned above and it is still hard to watch those baby shows where women give birth and everything goes perfect. But some words of wisdom from another mom who had C-sections helped me alot. She told me that "normal is different for everyone. They make giving birth sound like everyone has a great vaginal birth but not everyone does. Having had a C-section was my normal". This seemed obvious but hearing someone else who had been through it tell me that helped. I hope if we have another baby (which at this point both mike and I are at the hell no we aren't having any more stage but everyone swears that passes) I can have a vaginal birth but I know now what to be prepared for if I don't.