Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Good News

Today was my perinatology apt. It went very well. the Dr. spent over an hour with us just talking about everything. She had us tell her what happened then she told us what she thought of everything. She feels confident that I had an incompetent cervix. She said that becuase i had cramps for a couple days and wasn't really in pain until I had pitocin she feels that the infection was caused by my cervix opening. She also said that if it was an infection that caused everything then i would have had an infection after I delivered or a fever in the hospital.

So for the next time around she recommends that I get a cerclage at 12-14 weeks and I won't have to be on bedrest unless something goes wrong. I would also have ultrasounds more often to keep an eye on my cervix becuase if it starts to funnel or shorten they can give me progesterone shots to help strengthen the cervix muscle.

I was mostly worried about having to be on bedrest but knowing that isn't necessary makes me feel very confident in what the doctor said and being able to get pregnant again. She also said that we can start to try whenever we are emotionally ready and that waiting longer doesn't really have any major benefits. Yay! I really like my OB but the Perinatologist was really awsome and is accepting patients, i would jsut have to go about 20 minutes farther to see her at Stanford Hospital. I think we are going to wait and see what my OB says before we decide to change doctors.

As for Scarlett's doctors apt it seemed to go as well as it could have. They found out that she has a Glioblastoma which is very common in adults but very very rare is infants. About 5 babies a year have this type of tumor in the country. They are looking at having a surgery to have as much of the tumor removed as possible and then her having chemo. It looks like she will be back in the hospital this weekend and having surgery next week. we are hoping for the best case senerio of the surgery and chemo getting rid of the tumor and her being able to live a fairly normal life. I'm not sure the ods of this coming true but yesterday it wasn't even a thought and today it is possible.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Our Christmas..

We had a great Christmas this year. We spent Christmas eve at Mike's Aunt and Uncle's house with all of his family about 20 people. There was good food and lots of fun. We went home and finished wrapping presents and opened our stockings and gifts to each other. Mike got me an immersion blender and I got him a beer brewing kit.

Christmas morning we went to my parents house with my sister, brother in law, niece and grandma. We had our traditional holiday breakfast of eggs ala goldenrod. Then we opened stockings and gifts. My favorite gift was one that we gave to Scarlett, it was a book called The Gas We Pass. After all the gifts were open Santa came by to visit and take pictures with all of us. We ended our day at Mike's parents house where we opened more gifts and had dinner.

This year we gave our mom's each a photo book from snapfish of all of Zoey's pictures. They both loved it so much. It makes me happy to share what we have of her with everyone. I thought Christmas was going to be a lot harder than it was. I was afraid i was going to miss Zoey so much i wouldn't be able to enjoy it but i didn't. I mean of course i miss her everyday, but I feel really at peace with what has happened and i know she is in heaven looking over us.

Friday, December 24, 2010

a quick poem

I saw this poem in a post from someone in my baby center group and just had to share it.

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things."

I hope everyone has a good Christmas. I am looking forward to seeing all my family tonight and tomorrow and getting to spoil Scarlett on her first Christmas.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I know how you feel

This whole experience has been so overwhelming. On thursday last week I was just excited to have mike home and looking forward to christmas and spending time with my family and friends. Worried about things like loosing weight and getting all the christmas presents. Still having my ups and downs about Zoey but feeling more at peace with everything. It's amazing how one week can change so much.

 I am happy Scarlett gets to come home for Christmas and things will be as normal as they can be. Her Biopsy went well today and she seemed to be recovering well when i left the hospital today. We are all realistic about getting the results but there is hope that a miracle will happen and it won't be what the doctors think it is.

"I know how you feel" can be so hard to hear sometimes. Today my sister and I were walking down the hall in the hospital and a mom holding a newborn baby was wheeled by in a wheelchair. My sister turned to me and said "I now know kinda how you feel when you see a new baby." It was hard to hear not becuase it was insensitive or anything it just made me sad that my sister is going through all of this. I would never want anyone to have to go through what I went through. One of my baby center groups put it best, this is the worst club to have to be a part of, it's not a club anyone wants to be in. I have been very thankful for all the other people out there that are willing to share their stories and help me and pray for Scarlett. I am glad that I can be there for my sister and anyone else that is going through something like this. I thank god that he has given me the strength to be at peace with loosing zoey and wanting to help others.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

2010 you suck

So just when i thought i was doing better and feeling better about loosing Zoey I get a call from my sister that her 2 month old daughter Scarlett is in the hospital. At first we didn't know what was wrong really so I just thought she was going to have a surgery and then be ok. well that defiantly wasn't the case. She was sent to Stanfords Childrens hospital Friday night and they did an MRI and found she has a brain tumor about the size of your fist. It is taking over the space in her skull and pushing her brain to the side. She will have a biopsy tomorrow to find out more about the tumor which will give us a better idea of what kind of tumor it is and what their options are for treatment and hopefully how long she can survive with this tumor.

As you can imagine my whole family is pretty devastated. Being there and going through it all has really made dealing with our loss more difficult. I am so glad mike is home with me right now so we can lean on each other for support.

Who would have thought that this year would be so difficult. Mike and I are seeing the perinatologist next week and as much as we are looking forward to talking to them I am more nervous now too. We want to start trying again soon but I'm even more scared then I was before. I'm worried that they will tell me either I can't start trying yet or that I will have to go on strict bed rest when i do get pregnant and now with Scarlett I worry that it will be alot for everyone to handle. I know my family and friends are here to support me i just don't want to be too selfish.

I really hope 2011 brings more good then bad. Although there were good things that happened in 2010 it just seems like those good things are really trumped by the bad in the year.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Can't Sleep

Since I can't sleep and there isn't much else to do at 3:11 in the morning i figured i would do my weekly update on my weight loss progress.

Weight today: 220

Workouts: i was able to make it to the gym 4 times since my last post. I go for about 45 min a day. 30 minutes of cardio and about 15 min of weight machines.

Diet: i haven't been as good as i know i could be. It's been hard to eat when i'm not hungry and with being out and about eating as low carb as i am supposed to has been hard. I have been trying to think about it more though and I took snack baggies and divided up snacks that i can take with me places which helps.

Recipes: I tried a recipe with coconut flour but it wasn't edible so i will keep trying and hopefully come up with something good.

As far as my emotional health I think I am doing pretty good. I defiantly miss Zoey and can't stop myself from thinking about the fact that I would have been really pregnant now and feeling her kicks and getting all the stuff ready for her. I decided after everything I have been through I really want to become a better person from it. I try to take everything as a learning and growing experience. I tend to be judgemental of people and a little negative sometimes so I am trying my hardest to improve that. Right now I am very anxious about my perinatology apt and looking forward to getting the ok to start trying again. I've never looked forward to starting my period before but now I feel excited about it because it's a sign to me that my body is ready again.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Our Travels

The last few years have really seemed to go by so fast. Since we got married in Sept 2008 we have been very fortunate to get to travel alot. For our honeymoon we went to Tahiti for a week which was amazing.This picture is the view from the balcony in our room.  

Then in June of 2009 we got the opportunity to go to Europe for 3 weeks. We started in Paris just mike and I. We then met up with Mike's parents and brother in Norway to spend time with some of mikes reletives that live there and tour around norway. We ended our trip in London. I definatly want to go back to London and spend more time exploring there.
The view from the top of the Eiffel Tower. We decided to not wait in line and take the stairs to the middle and then the elevator to the top. It felt like a million stairs but it was well worth it.
Mike, his dad and brothers at the top of the mountain over looking the family farm and the ocean on fathers day. This was the hardest hike i have ever been on. I think i cried like 3 times during the day.

Mike and I at the top of the London Eye. We didn't have as much time here as the other places but we did get to go to the Prime Meridian, Harrods, stonehenge, winsor castle and Bath.

Then in October of 2009 Mike started licence upgrade classes in Florida. He was there many times until April of 2010. I was able to go visit him a few times which gave us the chance to explore Florida a little and go see the everglades and the Keys.

I look forward to our next adventure hopefully a cruise or trip to Disneyland and then a baby will be in our future.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Getting healthy

So i know it isn't the easiest time of year to decide to try and lose weight but I am. When i got pregnant with Zoey I had just lost 15 lbs. My lowest weight was 205. The day I went to the hospital i weighed 230. This morning when I weighed myself i was at 220. I really want to get down as far as i can before i get pregnant again. I know with the possibility of having to go on bedrest it would be best for me to be as healthy as i can be. I figure if I put it here for people to read I will feel more motivated to go workout and stay on my diet.

My plan:
    Every week i will post my progress. I am going to try and make it to the gym at least 3 times a week. So far this week i went to the gym monday and today.  My diet is based on what my nutritionist had me doing last year. I eat every three hours and limit my carbs. Everytime i eat I have carbs and protein. It breaks down like this:
Breakfast 2 carbs
Snack      1 carb
Lunch      3 carbs
snack       1 carb
dinner      2 carbs
snack       1 carb

Sunday, December 5, 2010

What the doctors say

After I delivered Zoey they did an autopsy on her and my placenta. They learned that I had an infection in the membranes around the baby. They didn't swab it so I don't know what kind of infection it was. I kind of wish i knew but it's probably better that i don't know. They didn't find anything abnormal in Zoey's autopsy. She was the right size for her gestation and she didn't have anything wrong with her.

My doctor told us that one of two things could have happened. One- I could have gotten an infection through a closed cervix which is rare but possible. and Two- I could have had what they call an incompetent cervix and my cervix could have opened which would have caused me to get the infection. This is more common but is less likely for me because i had a normal ultrasound 2 weeks prior. My doctor also went back and double checked my ultrasound to make sure my cervix was closed and long. All the doctors I have talked to so far which is 4 different OB's said they didn't think it was an incompetent cervix.

What this means for next time is we have two options according to my OB. we are going to see a perinatologist to get a second opinion and see if they have any other options for us. For now what i know is option one is to have ultrasounds every 2 weeks during my pregnancy to check on my cervix and hopefully catch it if it does start to open. option two (the one my doctor recommends) is to have a cerclage put in at 12-14 weeks and then I would go on bed rest until 34 weeks and have the cerclage taken out at 36 weeks. I am nervous about this option because i know it is the most conservative but if i do it then every pregnancy after that I will also have to get a cerclage and be on bed rest. I'm not sure how i would handle having a child and be on bed rest at the same time. The reason my doctor doesn't recommend the ultrasounds is because if they find my cervix is opening later in the pregnancy like 20-24 weeks they can put in a cerclage but it won't last more than a week or two which can mean having a very premature baby in the NICU and stuff.

I am really hoping the perinatologist will have more information for us. My appointment is on Dec 27 and i am very anxious to go. If anyone has any advise or experience with making this decision i would love to hear it. I feel like I can't stop thinking about all of this because i want to get pregnant again as soon as the doctors say it's ok.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Things nobody told me...

So i wanted to share some of the things I went through during the pregnancy, delivery and after that i feel nobody really told me about or i knew but didn't really believe till it happened. Feel free to comment with things I am missing or you weren't told about.

     Everything changes. your body, hair, hearing, sweating, ear wax, nails, congestion, tastes.. i know i had read about it but i didn't really know until i went through it that so many things can change. I felt like i came out of being pregnant a different person.
    Doctors appointments are very short and really just a way for them to listen to the baby's heartbeat, check your urine for protein and give you a chance to ask questions. I was usually in the waiting room longer than in with the doctor.
    For me the shot of fentanyl into my IV only lasted about 10 minutes. The Doctors told me it would last up to an hour or 2. This also happened when they gave me a double dose during my epidural to try and relax me.
   My epidural went badly because i was scared and had complications it took 45 minutes. this isn;t normal but i would recommend if you are wanting one do it before your contactions are very close together. Mine were every 2 minutes which made it hard to relax.
    If you get an epidural try to avoid a boost right before you start pushing. This will help you feel the pushes as well as make it so you can stand sooner after you deliver. you have to get up and pee twice before they will take out your IV.
   You want to bring a pillow or 2 if your husband is staying the night. The ones at the hospital are terrible. Also I would bring a box of good tissue. The hospital ones were very thin and small which with all the crying we did we had to have my dad bring us better stuff.
   Bring food. Having some snacks for anyone else that is staying with you during labor or overnight is a good idea. Also these snacks can help supplement the hospital food. I didn't eat for over 24 hours because of the way everything started so I was starving after i delivered. I would say most women are starving after they deliver and the hospital usually feeds you right away for me it just wasn't enough.
     If you have a loss like I did know that many of the nurses and hospital staff are not very experienced with this situation. we had a two people say things to us that was very difficult. We complained about the one nurse we had and i was able to get a better nurse. So don't be afraid to speak up if you feel you are being treated badly.

After Delivery-
      I purchased many different types of pads with different absorbancies and all of them long because it helps protect your underwear.
     I would recommend reading up on what really happens after you deliver. Since i gave birth so early I hadn't even read up about any of it and had no idea really what to expect. My best description is like 3 times worse than the worst period I've ever had. It was only like that for a week or so though.
    Rubbing alcohol helps clean off the resudue from the tape they use to attatch your IV, epidural and catheter. Mike had to help me get it all off my back and leg.
    When it came to lactation I felt like nobody could really tell me what was going to happen until i saw the lactation consultant at the hospital. They told me to wear tight bras and to not touch or run hot water over my chest. This seemed to work for me because i never had any bad swelling or let down of milk. I did think about letting my milk come in and then donating it to the mothers milk bank but I wasn't there emotionally yet. If i had to do it over again i think i would do it.
     I was given prescriptions for 600mg motrin and Norco. I only used them when i needed it and after the first week I didn't use them at all. The norco helped me sleep at night when i was having bad cramps but it does make you constipated so i really recommend stool softeners after you deliver and as long as you are taking pain meds.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My goal

My goal with this blog is to help others. I know reading about other people who have gone through similar situations as me helped me alot. I hope hearing my story and how i have been since I lost Zoey helps not just women that are going through it but anyone that knows someone who has had a loss. It seems like so many people have experienced a loss but that not many people talk about it. I know when I first got pregnant I knew a miscarriage could happen but thought I was in the clear at 22 weeks. I know the doctors don't want to scare people but i feel like they should have told me a little more. Especially what pre term labor was and what to look out for.

For Women in the SF bay area i wanted to let you know about a group called H.A.N.D. A couple weeks after we lost Zoey, Mike and i went to a meeting for people who had a loss. It was very helpful to us to get to talk about everything we were going through with people who had been through it. We found out about it from the hospital. They had given us a packet of papers with a bunch of information on loss and in there was a HAND newsletter with stories and stuff. If you are interested their website is http://www.handsupport.org/. They also have a support group for women who are pregnant again after a loss.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Zoey's poem

This is the poem and little speech that mike and I read when we scattered Zoey's ashes in half moon bay. We went out on a boat with my parents, mikes parents and my grandma. It was a little rainy that day but right as we started scattering her ashes the sun came out. It was like god letting us know that everything will be ok.

Today we are scattering Zoey’s ashes in a place very special to us both. We choose Half Moon Bay because we feel it’s a place we can come and remember her often and hopefully share with her future siblings. It is important to us to scatter her ashes in the ocean because we feel that from here she can go anywhere and everywhere in the world. Zoey would have been brought up on and around the water and we wanted to share with her this important part of our lives. We know that anytime we are out on the water Zoey will be with us from below and in the heavens up above looking down on us all.

Our little guardian angel.

We thought of you with love today but that is nothing new
We thought about you yesterday
and days before that too
We think of you in silence we often speak your name
Now all we have are memories
and your picture in a frame
Your memory is our keepsake with which we'll never part
God has you in his keeping
we have you in our heart.


Sunday, November 28, 2010

It's Hard

Recently I was reading a post on facebook from another mom that had a loss and she was saying how she feels like everyone around her is pregnant or has babies and she was asking for advise on how to deal with that. I can defiantly understand how she feels. I think most moms of angel babies can relate. For me i find myself being jealous of others as well as sad and mad about my own situation. I am happy for everyone else I just wish I could be happy for myself as well. The way i deal with my feelings is by trying to stay positive. I remind myself that in time I too will get to be a mom of an earth baby. I try not to think why not me because i know that god has a plan for me and that I have no control over it. I also remind myself that it's hard on my friends and family as well. My best friend found out she was pregnant right after i lost Zoey and my sister delivered her daughter 2 weeks after. For both of them I just focus on being as supportive as possible and know that being there for them is more important than feeling sad for myself. 

Friday, November 26, 2010


I spent the last week in Washington visiting my grandparents with my mom and dad. I enjoyed my time away and with family but of course with the holiday i couldn't help but think about Zoey. I miss her alot. I can't help but think that this Thanksgiving was supposed to be different. I was supposed to be really pregnant and getting the house ready for a baby.

While on my trip I started reading the book Five People You Meet In Heaven. I am really enjoying it. Some of the ways things are talked about have helped me think about loosing Zoey in different ways. I am not normally a big reader i'm actually not a reader at all, and i had a hard time putting this book down.

While i was gone i decided to start a recipe page. I have been experimenting with different recipes and thought i would share the ones that come out good. I am trying to loose weight before I get pregnant again so I am cooking many low carb high protein recipes. Some of them might sound weird or even look weird but most of the stuff i have made tastes pretty good.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

It took me a while and alot of trial and error but i finally got my button working. Yay!!


I added a page about our angel baby Zoey. So far i have put her story but i will add pictures and more soon.

My first blog

Today I was inspired by the greenfamily.net to start my own blog. I have never written a blog before and felt it was about time to share my thoughts and ideas with others. 

Let me start with a little bit about me. My name is Lindi and I am 25 years old. My husband Mike and I have been together since we were 16 and got married on 9/6/08. I was born and raised in the SF bay area and still live here. I love living in California. I hope I never have to move too far. I am a Girl Scout leader for a Mariner Girl Scout troop for teenage girls out of redwood city. I have a bachelors degree from CSUEB in recreation and hospitality. I am currently not working but hope to soon start substitute teaching in my old school district. My husband is a merchant mariner and works on a ship. I feel so lucky to have such an amazing husband.

I hope this gives you an idea of who I am. I hope to write again tomorrow.