My thoughts

So I wanted to share some of the more difficult parts of this pregnancy. As far as how I feel physically I am doing well and don't have too much to complain about. Emotionally I feel like it is a bit of a roller coaster.

In the beginning I was trying not to get too excited. I was worried that something would go wrong and I didn't want to get my hopes up too much. This was more in the first 12 weeks when the risk of miscarriage is much higher. We told our parents and siblings pretty much right away mostly because Mike was leaving and we wanted to make sure we got to tell everyone together in case something happened while he was gone and I needed their support. It took us a little longer to tell everyone else because we were nervous, this was harder for Mike than me. After we told everyone it was nice to know people were so supportive and positive about it. People seemed excited for us again and I didn't hear anything negative from anyone.

As each week goes by and especially once I got my cerclage I was feeling much better about stuff. I think the nervousness will stay with me until I have a baby in my arms and know that he is healthy. Every Dr. appointment helps relieve my stress just a little, knowing that things are going good. I do get a little nervous before each Dr. appointment and I try not to go alone just in case I end up being admitted that day. For Mike each appointment when he is at work is hard for him. He usually doesn't like me to text or call when he is on watch but on these days he tells me to text him as soon as I am done so he can relax. We have a plan for an emergency if he is at work and I can't get him on his cell phone I can call a satellite phone that the captain has. It's nice to know I can always get a hold of him if I need to, I just hope I never have to call that number.

The hardest day for me so far was my 20 week ultrasound. I was so excited to see that everything was going well and to know if we were having a boy or girl. When the ultrasound tech told us we were having a boy I was surprised for some reason. Not sure why but I didn't expect it. I did well and enjoyed watching caleb bounce around in my belly the whole ultrasound. After it was over and Mike and I started walking to the car alone I had a bit of a break down. Part of me (a part I didn't know about until that moment) was really hoping for a girl. I was sad that I was having a boy and I was upset and felt guilty that I wasn't as excited as I thought I would be. I think I shocked Mike a little because this wasn't something we had ever talked about. It took me a little while but by the end of the day I was already feeling better about it. Each day I get more excited about having Caleb home and happy just to be a mom no matter if it's a boy or girl.

After talking to Mike and having a few moments to think about it I realized my feelings were less about having a boy and more about loosing my little girl. I think most women hope to have a girl to get to dress up and do girly stuff with. I was so excited when we found out Zoey was a girl that I looked forward to all those things. When we lost her all that was taken from me and I hadn't realized how hard that still was for me until we found out Caleb was a boy. I also was feeling a bit sad thinking I may never have another girl again.

For every person who has had a loss in their life there will be things that can be triggers for different emotions. You can't always predict what things will bring up what feelings and this was definitely one of those times for me. I would say overall I am doing really well dealing with loosing Zoey.  Days like my 20 week ultrasound reminds me that I am still dealing with Zoey's loss everyday. I will always hold Zoey in a special place in my heart and never forget about what her and I went through. I also know that I will be an amazing mom to Caleb and look forward to, although I am a bit nervous about, learning all about boy stuff.