Why me?

It seems like constantly i see people with children that I just don't feel like should have children. Either they don't take care of their children or they treat them badly i don't understand how a parent can be like that to their child. It makes me wonder why those people were even given the privilege of having a child when i was robbed of it. It seems like many of the people i have met who have lost a baby are people who are good parents and who want a baby. It kills me to see people who don't love and appreciate their children. I know that when we are finally blessed with an earth baby i will be so happy and i will be able to appreciate what a special gift it is.

Feb 2nd was Zoey's due date. As the date gets closer I have mixed feelings on it. I may feel different on the actual day but so far i feel ok about it. I see a baby's due date as just a educated guess from a doctor of when your baby will be born. So for me I don't feel the attachment to the date as i thought i would in the beginning. I feel like we are doing good with everything and that the only time i really get sad anymore is when I think about where our lives would have been right now. Instead of trying to lose weight and get pregnant we would be getting ready for zoey's birth. Looking back to a year ago when we started talking about getting pregnant we would have never guessed the year would turn out the way it did. I just hope that the next year is better than the last.

Weight Loss

So the last time I wrote about wanting to lose weight and get healthy was not very long before Scarlett went to the hospital. I was doing really good working out everyday and eating fairly well. I continued to eat pretty good although I'm sure i could always do better. Unfortunately with going to the hospital, mike being home and the stress of everything I didn't go to the gym for about a month. I started working out  again and hope to get back on track.

For any of you that have had a loss you will probably know how i feel about losing weight. I know i need to do it and that the more i lose the better my chances of getting pregnant are. But the hard part is that I know once i get pregnant i will just gain whatever i lose back and probably plus some. When i was pregnant with Zoey i gained 24 pounds in 22 weeks. I can only imagine what i would have gained if she was full term. I also worry because once i get pregnant i cant really work out as much. The doctor said i can go for light walks but not full workouts and once i get further in the pregnancy i shouldn't do alot at all. I feel like i will put so much work and stress into losing weight and then just have to do it all over again in a year. I just don't know how to keep motivated and not get discouraged.

I watch many of the reality shows and especially ones about weight loss. I wish i could have someone come to my house everyday and make me workout and remind me to eat healthy. I like exercise and I enjoy healthy food so all i need is someone to get me going everyday. Mike tries to help me but it's hard when he is my kick in the butt because often I either feel like he is nagging me or take his help the wrong way. He has been very patient with me and I love him for it. I am lucky to have his support in everything i decide to do.

Baby and Dog Sitting

Thursday I started dog sitting for some really good friends of our. Their dog (Josie) is pretty well behaved and overall i have been enjoying having a dog around. Mike asked me if i want a dog now and i don't think so. It's fun but i am just not home enough to give a dog the attention it needs full time. Last night Josie woke me up because she had to go out so i let her out and when she came back in she ran right into my room and jumped up on the bed. I found this really funny because i hadn't let her sleep in there at all, until i noticed that her feet were muddy and now my bed had doggy prints on the sheets. Even though i was super tired i was still able to find the whole thing kinda funny and was able to go back to sleep pretty quickly, her in her bed and me in mine.

On Friday morning I went to the hospital at 8am to watch Scarlett while my sister and Chris went to Stanford. Luckily they got moved out of ICU so things were pretty chill. I was only there for about 15 minutes and the doctors started coming in to see her. First the physical therapist she just looks at Scarlett and pushes her legs, arms and checks her suck. Then i was visited by the resident who just looked at her and said yep she looks fine and left. Then came the nutritionist and a social worker. Some of the people knew i was the Aunt but some of them hadn't met Brandi before or had only seen her once and were a little confused. I kept having to tell them that i was the aunt and that her parents would be back soon. While there my mother In law came to hang out with me which was nice cause it can get a little boring in the hospital. Everything went well and I was able to get Scarlett to smile a few different times. She seems just like she did before. The only difference is she has a huge scar on her head and her eyes look left alot but not always.

Every time i take care of a baby or child it reminds me how much I want a child of my own. I feel like taking care of children is a very natural thing for me. I was feeding Scarlett when the social worker came in and she was tired and a little lazy about eating so I was un wrapping the blankets off her and getting her to eat. The Social worker said "oh wow you know all the tricks". It felt good to know even people i don't know can see it in me. even though i am nervous about getting pregnant I really can't wait.

It's about time...

We just found out that Scarlett is back in the ICU. My sister and chris are up there waiting to see her. I am sure my sister will update everyone on the specifics later but everything went well. She is moving around already and doing well. The waiting game is over for tonight. Now in the days to come we will learn what the next steps for Scarlett will be. Thank you everyone for the love and support.

Just waiting..

We are sitting in the hospital just waiting to hear from the doctor. A nurse called like 4 hours ago to tell them that they were finishing. I think that nurse really jumped the gun. They keep telling us that she is fine and they are just finishing closing her up and all. Everyone is pretty nervous, not so much because they think something bad has happened but just because it's the worst waiting game ever. I hope they come in soon just so we can know just how it all went.

Today.....

This week has been very busy. Nothing really happening until today but just lots of little errands and things to do. Today I am at the hospital during Scarlett's surgery. They took her down a while ago and now we are just waiting to hear from the doctors that they started. It's probably going to be a long day.

For those of you that don't know me well i am definitely not a morning person. I prefer to stay up really late and sleep in till noon. Wednesday I had to get up at 4 am to go to SFO then I went home after and slept again for a few hours. Today I got up at 6ish to come with my sister to the hospital. My sister and i joke because Chris and I are similar in that we feel we just need more sleep than the average person.

I am amazed everyday at how many people are supporting my sister, Chris, Scarlett and our whole family. So many people are praying for us all. It really shows us how many people out there care about our family. I think it is so sweet that people we don't even know are thinking about us and wearing red for Scarlett.

PCOS

I have been living with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome probably forever. Of course i only knew about it when i was in High School and i saw my first endocrinologist. My mom and sister also have it. If you don't know what it is, it's basically cysts on the ovaries that cause many things in the body to go awry. It causes higher testosterone, insulin resistance, facial hair growth, weight gain and many other annoying problems. It can also cause you to have a hard time getting pregnant. Having PCOS seems to be more and more common these days. When my mom was first diagnosed they didn't know much about it and just gave her pills to make her have a period. My sister found a doctor that knew more about it and was put on Metformin. I also got my doctor to put me on Metformin when i had kaiser i had to force the doctor to do it and she didn't seem to know much about it. she was surprised when i asked about it because at that time i wasn't looking at getting pregnant and many doctors only give metformin to women trying to get pregnant. Then when i got PAMF i had a great endocrinologist that got me on the right amount to help me and gave me tons more information. I also got to see a nutritionist that had me doing a low carb diet which helped me a lot. For the first time in my life i was able to loose weight (which of course i gained all back with Zoey) and i had regular periods.

My mom was able to get pregnant with my sister and I naturally it took time but had no major complications, my sister got pregnant with Scarlett without really trying and I was able to get pregnant with Zoey the first month we were really trying. I feel like we have had good luck with trying to get pregnant and i hope it will be easy this next time around.

Today I got to visit Scarlett for a few moments before she went off to have her MRI. she was so peaceful just laying in her bed with her little oxygen mask on holding my fingers. I had dinner with my sister, Chris, mom, grandma and Mike at the hospital and then we had Tuckers Ice Cream that dad had brought us for dessert. Right before we left they had finished the MRI and she was coming out of it well. The doctors have said that her surgery will be on Friday now but we are hoping they will be able to move it up so they don't have to wait another week.