Why me?

It seems like constantly i see people with children that I just don't feel like should have children. Either they don't take care of their children or they treat them badly i don't understand how a parent can be like that to their child. It makes me wonder why those people were even given the privilege of having a child when i was robbed of it. It seems like many of the people i have met who have lost a baby are people who are good parents and who want a baby. It kills me to see people who don't love and appreciate their children. I know that when we are finally blessed with an earth baby i will be so happy and i will be able to appreciate what a special gift it is.

Feb 2nd was Zoey's due date. As the date gets closer I have mixed feelings on it. I may feel different on the actual day but so far i feel ok about it. I see a baby's due date as just a educated guess from a doctor of when your baby will be born. So for me I don't feel the attachment to the date as i thought i would in the beginning. I feel like we are doing good with everything and that the only time i really get sad anymore is when I think about where our lives would have been right now. Instead of trying to lose weight and get pregnant we would be getting ready for zoey's birth. Looking back to a year ago when we started talking about getting pregnant we would have never guessed the year would turn out the way it did. I just hope that the next year is better than the last.

Weight Loss

So the last time I wrote about wanting to lose weight and get healthy was not very long before Scarlett went to the hospital. I was doing really good working out everyday and eating fairly well. I continued to eat pretty good although I'm sure i could always do better. Unfortunately with going to the hospital, mike being home and the stress of everything I didn't go to the gym for about a month. I started working out  again and hope to get back on track.

For any of you that have had a loss you will probably know how i feel about losing weight. I know i need to do it and that the more i lose the better my chances of getting pregnant are. But the hard part is that I know once i get pregnant i will just gain whatever i lose back and probably plus some. When i was pregnant with Zoey i gained 24 pounds in 22 weeks. I can only imagine what i would have gained if she was full term. I also worry because once i get pregnant i cant really work out as much. The doctor said i can go for light walks but not full workouts and once i get further in the pregnancy i shouldn't do alot at all. I feel like i will put so much work and stress into losing weight and then just have to do it all over again in a year. I just don't know how to keep motivated and not get discouraged.

I watch many of the reality shows and especially ones about weight loss. I wish i could have someone come to my house everyday and make me workout and remind me to eat healthy. I like exercise and I enjoy healthy food so all i need is someone to get me going everyday. Mike tries to help me but it's hard when he is my kick in the butt because often I either feel like he is nagging me or take his help the wrong way. He has been very patient with me and I love him for it. I am lucky to have his support in everything i decide to do.

Baby and Dog Sitting

Thursday I started dog sitting for some really good friends of our. Their dog (Josie) is pretty well behaved and overall i have been enjoying having a dog around. Mike asked me if i want a dog now and i don't think so. It's fun but i am just not home enough to give a dog the attention it needs full time. Last night Josie woke me up because she had to go out so i let her out and when she came back in she ran right into my room and jumped up on the bed. I found this really funny because i hadn't let her sleep in there at all, until i noticed that her feet were muddy and now my bed had doggy prints on the sheets. Even though i was super tired i was still able to find the whole thing kinda funny and was able to go back to sleep pretty quickly, her in her bed and me in mine.

On Friday morning I went to the hospital at 8am to watch Scarlett while my sister and Chris went to Stanford. Luckily they got moved out of ICU so things were pretty chill. I was only there for about 15 minutes and the doctors started coming in to see her. First the physical therapist she just looks at Scarlett and pushes her legs, arms and checks her suck. Then i was visited by the resident who just looked at her and said yep she looks fine and left. Then came the nutritionist and a social worker. Some of the people knew i was the Aunt but some of them hadn't met Brandi before or had only seen her once and were a little confused. I kept having to tell them that i was the aunt and that her parents would be back soon. While there my mother In law came to hang out with me which was nice cause it can get a little boring in the hospital. Everything went well and I was able to get Scarlett to smile a few different times. She seems just like she did before. The only difference is she has a huge scar on her head and her eyes look left alot but not always.

Every time i take care of a baby or child it reminds me how much I want a child of my own. I feel like taking care of children is a very natural thing for me. I was feeding Scarlett when the social worker came in and she was tired and a little lazy about eating so I was un wrapping the blankets off her and getting her to eat. The Social worker said "oh wow you know all the tricks". It felt good to know even people i don't know can see it in me. even though i am nervous about getting pregnant I really can't wait.

It's about time...

We just found out that Scarlett is back in the ICU. My sister and chris are up there waiting to see her. I am sure my sister will update everyone on the specifics later but everything went well. She is moving around already and doing well. The waiting game is over for tonight. Now in the days to come we will learn what the next steps for Scarlett will be. Thank you everyone for the love and support.

Just waiting..

We are sitting in the hospital just waiting to hear from the doctor. A nurse called like 4 hours ago to tell them that they were finishing. I think that nurse really jumped the gun. They keep telling us that she is fine and they are just finishing closing her up and all. Everyone is pretty nervous, not so much because they think something bad has happened but just because it's the worst waiting game ever. I hope they come in soon just so we can know just how it all went.

Today.....

This week has been very busy. Nothing really happening until today but just lots of little errands and things to do. Today I am at the hospital during Scarlett's surgery. They took her down a while ago and now we are just waiting to hear from the doctors that they started. It's probably going to be a long day.

For those of you that don't know me well i am definitely not a morning person. I prefer to stay up really late and sleep in till noon. Wednesday I had to get up at 4 am to go to SFO then I went home after and slept again for a few hours. Today I got up at 6ish to come with my sister to the hospital. My sister and i joke because Chris and I are similar in that we feel we just need more sleep than the average person.

I am amazed everyday at how many people are supporting my sister, Chris, Scarlett and our whole family. So many people are praying for us all. It really shows us how many people out there care about our family. I think it is so sweet that people we don't even know are thinking about us and wearing red for Scarlett.

PCOS

I have been living with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome probably forever. Of course i only knew about it when i was in High School and i saw my first endocrinologist. My mom and sister also have it. If you don't know what it is, it's basically cysts on the ovaries that cause many things in the body to go awry. It causes higher testosterone, insulin resistance, facial hair growth, weight gain and many other annoying problems. It can also cause you to have a hard time getting pregnant. Having PCOS seems to be more and more common these days. When my mom was first diagnosed they didn't know much about it and just gave her pills to make her have a period. My sister found a doctor that knew more about it and was put on Metformin. I also got my doctor to put me on Metformin when i had kaiser i had to force the doctor to do it and she didn't seem to know much about it. she was surprised when i asked about it because at that time i wasn't looking at getting pregnant and many doctors only give metformin to women trying to get pregnant. Then when i got PAMF i had a great endocrinologist that got me on the right amount to help me and gave me tons more information. I also got to see a nutritionist that had me doing a low carb diet which helped me a lot. For the first time in my life i was able to loose weight (which of course i gained all back with Zoey) and i had regular periods.

My mom was able to get pregnant with my sister and I naturally it took time but had no major complications, my sister got pregnant with Scarlett without really trying and I was able to get pregnant with Zoey the first month we were really trying. I feel like we have had good luck with trying to get pregnant and i hope it will be easy this next time around.

Today I got to visit Scarlett for a few moments before she went off to have her MRI. she was so peaceful just laying in her bed with her little oxygen mask on holding my fingers. I had dinner with my sister, Chris, mom, grandma and Mike at the hospital and then we had Tuckers Ice Cream that dad had brought us for dessert. Right before we left they had finished the MRI and she was coming out of it well. The doctors have said that her surgery will be on Friday now but we are hoping they will be able to move it up so they don't have to wait another week.

Hoping For The Best

Last night at the hospital was very intense. The PICU waiting room is very small and was filled with people trying to spend time with their children. When my sister and Chris got the call that surgery was over they were so nervous. It was earlier than they expected which you never know if that is good or bad. There was about 45 min of waiting after the call before the doctor came in to talk to them. I could tell it was good news from the few words i could hear and the look on my sisters face. It was a relief to hear that things went well and that the doctor felt confident about the surgery. I saw Scarlett for a very brief second as they rolled her to her space in the PICU (it isn't really a room from what i am told it is more like a section of a large room with a curtain around it). Her face was very chubby from being swollen, her head was all wrapped up and she was still intubated.

Today i didn't make it to the hospital but i did get an update from my mom. She said that things are looking ok. They noticed Scarlett's left side isn't moving as much as the right and she had a CT scan today. She was also having very minor seizures which is normal and expected. I'm sure my sister will be updating about all of this but from what my mom said it seems everything is going well.

It is so hard to be at the hospital and know that everyone is there for a sick child. It's different at a regular hospital because people could be there for all kinds of things but at a children's hospital it just seems much more sad. I see how hard it is to be there for my sister and Chris and how uncomfortable it is and it makes me want to help everyone I can when i am there. Our family is so lucky to all live fairly close and be able to be there whenever we want or my sister needs us. The lady we talked to last night had just flown in from Tonga to see her grandchild who is 2 months old. I can't imagine how hard that must be. Maybe the next time I go i will take some cookies or something and put them in the waiting room for everyone.

Hospitals

So in my whole life i have only been to 5 different hospitals. i was born in kaiser redwood city, of course i don't really remember that visit. Until a few years ago i hadn't been in a hospital at all, then  i had a surgery at Kaiser Fremont  but i only stayed one night and it wasn't really a big deal. i had my own room and had a pretty good experience. In June i visited my grandma after her surgery in Kaiser redwood city again i was only there for a short amount of time but she had her own room and things seemed good for her. In September i was in Washington hospital for Zoey's delivery. I was there for a few days and had a pretty good experience. The nurses were overall really understanding and helpful. My one nurse had lost a child many years prior so she knew what i was going through and helped us out a lot. While i was there and while my sister was there for Scarlett's delivery we had our own rooms and felt we had a good experience.

When Scarlett was first diagnosed she was at Stanford Children's hospital. This was like the Cadillac of hospitals. The staff was great to work with and the facility was very family oriented. There were many places for people to sit and sleep while their little ones were in the hospital. Scarlett had her own room with bathroom that we could all use. Now we are at Oakland Children's Hospital it is defiantly a different type of hospital. It feels much more like a regular hospital. the walls are less decorated and there are very few and little places for family to be. It seems like a hospital for children would make it possible for parents to stay with their children. Kids that are here tend to be so sick that what parent wants to leave their child alone.

Having been to all these hospitals helps me a little. I know if i have a problem with my next pregnancy i defiantly want to go to Stanford. I won't care how much more it will cost it is worth it. With the way our health insurance is it is hard to not think about cost. I don't want to base my decisions on cost but i can't help it. When i was delivering Zoey and needed an epidural in my pain and stress i kept thinking this is so expensive but worth it. I fought getting the epidural partially because of fear but also because of cost. Why does our health care system have to be like this. I think it is a major problem i wish i could change but know i have no control over.

We have had a couple updates from Scarlett's surgeons and so far everything is going well. it is just a long waiting game from now on. So many people have been showing their support and it means a lot to our whole family. I feel like together my sister and my story can help so many other people. I was telling Mike this morning that this whole experience feels like something that Oprah would do a show or story about on her show.

Scarlett's Surgery

I talked to my mom today who is at the hospital. She said that they took Scarlett in to surgery around 8:30 this morning. So far things are going good. They are waiting to get an update from the surgical team. They are supposed to get updates every few hours about how everything is going. Hopefully they will get it soon.

I can't imagine what it must feel like for my sister and chris to have to just wait around today. My mom said they are in the waiting room with a bunch of parents with really sick kids. Having been at the hospitals and seeing all the sick kids make me think alot about Zoey. If she had been born just a couple weeks later they could have tried to save her. This would have meant that she would be one of those sick kids and we would be the parents living at the hospital and trying to spend every moment with her we could. Part of me is glad we didn't have to go through all of that. As hard as it was to loose her I feel like it would have been even harder to see her struggle to survive and then possibly still not survive. For all those parents out there in this situation my heart goes out to you and your families.

The New Year

Our new years was pretty fun.I spent a few hours baking cookies and cupcakes and i made a butternut squash soup with my new immersion blender. Then We hung out with our friends kelly and julio, their daughter Lily who is 11 months old and kellys brother and friends. it was a pretty chill night. we just went out to dinner then went to kelly's brothers house and hung out and watched the boys light off fireworks. It was nice to bring in the new year with new and old friends.

My hopes for 2011 are pretty big. I hope to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, I hope my niece Scarlett gets through surgery Wednesday and gets better soon, I hope Mike gets a new better job that he likes even more,  I hope my family and friends all stay healthy and don't have to feel as much pain as 2010 brought us. Our perinatologist put it best "we are staying cautiously optimistic".

I feel like it is easier to expect the worst and hope for the best. When it comes to getting pregnant i know it might take us a while and i realize that something could go wrong again. I feel like if i prepare myself for this then it won''t be as hard to deal with if it does happen. I do look forward to being pregnant again and all things that you get to experience when having a baby but i feel like if i am expecting it to be hard and possibly end in a loss again, i will be better prepared. I also think it keeps me less stressed out about trying again if i remind myself that i have no control over when I get pregnant. It is in Gods hands and i have to trust that it will happen when we are ready.